darkmother

The feeling is ubiquitous – or is it perennial?  Does it matter?  I am not coping.  I don’t know how to cope.  And it brings me grief. I wake up late because I do not sleep at night.  Not really.  Nursing a baby at night is not sleeping.  It’s the option I have chosen as […]

I want to believe.  New beginnings, clean slates, tabula rasa.  Instead I feel entombed in my own crap – belongings, messes, baggage, history.  The task – to transform this into something workable.  A friend said that there was a “mad sadness” to my eyes – a “spark that had not found it’s fuel”.  But this […]

This seems so unfair.  I just got myself settled in with a (hot!) coffee and the laptop here on the dining room table in hopes of putting out a post for this non-blog.  Sure enough the little man stirs.  It does not seem like it will be passive, momentary stirring either.  He wants out of […]

It’s been a very difficult week.  Things that I have spent a lot of time and much more energy trying to build up have been destroyed.  I feel I have been betrayed.  And yet – I can’t be bothered to engage it.  I fought with my own demons, I didn’t quit even when the going […]

I procrastinate the beginning – waiting for the perfect day.  No such thing.  So I begin anyway, and hope to learn.  Is this the one thing today that scares me?  My daily death?  Unlikely – but my dreams are urging me to do.  Imperfectly, incompletely, without elegance or goals of perfection.  And so it is […]